Tightening Up A Covering Letter 1

A student came to me with his agent package: covering letter, synopsis and first three chapters. They were pretty good - he'd read my blog! But not faultless. We discussed the package, and he went away and reworked it. He has very kindly given me permission to quote from both to show how a good covering letter can be tightened up.

This is the section describing the novel:

The main theme of the book centres on the twin journeys of two lovers caught in a war between ancient deities fighting for dominion of all humanity. Trapped within the destiny of their Realm, the lovers are driven down a path of deception and epic battles as they grapple with an adversary of their own creation. Their choices and varying situations are presented in a realistic yet fantastic world woven into a narrative delivered with great verve and emotion.

The novel is set in a second world based on our ancient civilisations of Greece and Rome. This, along with a unique system of magic and the integration of republican democracy with autocracy, will appeal to any reader of fantasy fiction as well as adding a new flavour to the generic genre. The novel also has parallels with the romantic fantasy genre as it is written from the perspective of both lovers and follows their individual experiences and emotions.

I don't think this is bad - I like the use of strong verbs such as trapped and grapple - but it feels a bit generic. There are lots of big words such as destiny and epic, but I don't know what's going to happen or what the whole book is about. It feels a bit waffly.

This is the final version:

The book centres on two lovers. Thryn’s abandonment as a child in a society closed to outsiders fuels his strive for acceptance in a treacherous world. Nalani, as a strong and independent woman, yearns for absolution from her father when she is deprived of her home. Together, they are trapped within a war between ancient deities fighting for dominion of all humanity. Driven down a path of deception and epic battles, they grapple with an adversary of their own creation as the destiny of their Realm is revealed.

The setting of the novel originates from a unique blend of our ancient civilisations of Greece, Egypt and Rome. This is coupled with an exclusive religion, system of magic and the integration of republican democracy with autocracy. It will appeal to the readers of authors such as Trudi Canavan, Robert Jordan and Garth Nix.

This is much punchier. I like the naming of the lovers, and their individual quests are stated. And rather than making claims about how it's going to appeal to everyone who reads fantasy fiction AND adding a completely new genre, instead he shows his understanding of the market by naming best selling authors. I'd read this.

I'll look at his biography tomorrow...